Diary of a Crazy White Woman

My name is Lana. You have been reading some stories about me, and I hope you have enjoyed them. When the author of this book asked to write a few stories, I couldn't imagine that my life was interesting enough. But, she asked me to trust her, and so I have. But, there's one story that I related to her that she wanted me to tell myself. I'm not sure I know much about writing, so I'm making no promises, only that it didn't seem funny to me at the time, but everyone else thought it was. Our friends, Tim and Cindy, have two Vizla dogs.  Neil and I love dogs, and since we live only five miles from them we enjoy going to their home to feed and tend to the Vizlas whenever they need to be out of town for a time. We have done this quite a few times with no trouble and enjoy being available to help our friends. This Thanksgiving  Tim and Cindy had the opportunity to travel to their son's home for the holiday, and so we were glad to help them out again.  Neil wo...

It was a warm and sunny Saturday in north Georgia, and Neil and Lana were lounging in the screen room at the back of their house. They both felt a little guilty because there was always something that needed to be done, but they were really enjoying the weather. Neil was reading a Zane Grey that one of the grandsons had given him, and Lana had her Kindle with her, but she wasn't as interested in the book she had downloaded as she thought she would be. She regretted buying it.  "Tim and Cindy are going to their son's house for Thanksgiving," said Lana. "Okay," answered Neil. He didn't look up from his book, and he knew how that irritated her. "They want us to take care of the dogs," she tried again. "I assumed that would be the arrangement since we always do when they go out of town." He still hadn't looked up from his book.  "Can we talk about this later?" he asked and kept on reading. "I su...

"I can't believe you walked into the men's bathroom," Carol shook her head as she unlocked the door to their dorm room. "I thought you had more brains than to just go into a room without looking at the sign on the door!" Carol said all this with a chuckle. She was actually enjoying this little mistake her friend had made. It was a funny little memory they had made, and they would, in fact, remember it for a long time and laugh about it. Once inside the room, they freshened up and decided to make a trip into the nearest town for lunch at one of the restaurant chains there. The town was thirty minutes both ways, and they were back in their room with plenty of time to take their afternoon naps. With the evening meeting coming up, they showered and changed, and with anticipation, headed out on foot to the meeting hall. It was a stifling hot Georgia evening, but the walk was short, and the exercise was good for them. The air conditioning was on in the big ro...

"I'd like to climb that big tree and trim off some of that moss that's hanging down and take it home." "Come back to earth, Lana," Carol chided her. "We'll buy you some moss at the nursery when we get home." "Oh, it's just not the same as saying I got it in southern Georgia hanging from a tree." Carol shook her head. "First of all, you'd break your neck when you fell out of the tree, and second, you'd never be able to climb it. That is a huge tree." "The two friends had finished a breakfast of Cheerios in their room, and were walking the few hundred yards toward the church building on the campground for the morning message. Each day during camp meeting there were three messages throughout the day. The morning and noon services were good, with good teachers and good gospel music, but the evening service was always the best. Lana loved this part of being in the south. The gospel music was diffe...

Soon after Lana and Neil moved to Georgia they met Carol and her husband Willie at the church they attended. Lana and Carol spent many of their days together delivering gift baskets and going to different warehouses. It soon became a tradition for them to attend their church's camp meetings every year in July. Carol needed to get away for a few days, and Lana was eager to go. Each year they left on Wednesday to travel three hours into south Georgia and stayed until Sunday afternoon.  This year they had loaded up Carol's SUV with coolers of drinks and bags of snacks. They ate their meals at the camp kitchen, or they drove into a nearby town at one of the restaurants there. But, while in their dorm room on the campgrounds, where they were most of the time, they indulged as they liked. There were camp meetings three times a day, but in between the girls stayed in their room. The idea was for rest, especially for Carol. And the best part about being there for Carol was that th...

The guys had lifted Lana's new chair and ottoman out of the back of the van and carried it into the house. She and Nita had lagged behind. Nita wanted to find out some information about how Lana had found the chair, and Lana wanted to take a sneak peek back at the rose bush. She had heard the snap of the wooden stem, and she wanted to see if the rest of the bush was in tact. When Nita looked toward the house Lana quickly swung her head around, saw the poor rose bush crumpled under the van tire, then swung her head back before Nita could take a breath. Lana was devastated, but she would never let them see it. The smile on her face returned when she thought of her new chair. "You didn't find that chair on the internet did you?" Nita began before taking a big breath. "You can never trust those people that sell their stuff on the internet. I'd be afraid they would meet me and rob me, or worse. And I'd never want them to find out where I live. There are a...

"You remember I told you about the chair I found on the internet the other day?" Lana spoke into her little cell phone with the pink case. She had called Neil at work to share her good news, and to warn him of the job he would have when he got home this evening. Lana had been looking for weeks for a specific type of overstuffed chair and ottoman for her sitting room, and she had finally found what she thought would be just the right fit for her and the room. Excitement was in her voice. "I bought it! I got the guy down to a better price, and I pick it up this afternoon. I went to look at it this morning and, Neil, it's perfect. It's a very pretty blue with tiny flowers on it, and it is SO comfortable. I told the guy I wanted to think about it, but I just needed time to decided how much to offer him. So, I called him and made an offer, and he accepted it!" This running narrative of Lana's morning adventures didn't exactly have Neil on the edge of...

"Neil. Are you asleep?" There was a short pause before she heard him take a deep breath, or was that a heavy sigh? She wasn't sure. She lay in the dark waiting. "I was," he said as he turned slightly toward her. He was dead tired from a hard day at work, and he had fallen asleep as soon as his head had hit the pillow. "Why do you do that to me?" she began. "I get one chance in our hectic evenings to really have a good conversation with you, and you go right to sleep. You know that annoys me." "Excuse me, Lana, I really forgot myself this time. Please forgive me for being so tired that I couldn't stay awake long enough for you to tell me about your day at the grocery." Lana could feel Neil's baby blues glaring at her through the dark, but rather than being sorry, it caused her more indignation. "So you think all I do all day long to keep YOUR house running smoothly is grocery shop or other trivial...

"I've got to stop at Costco's before we go home. It won't take long 'cause I have to be back at the house by 4." Carol announced this matter-of-fact as they sped along the freeway rather than asking if it would be okay. When Lana went anywhere with Carol it was understood that they would be going to the planned destination and five or six more. Some days they left home at 8:30 or 9 in the morning and Lana wouldn't get home until just before Neil got home at 5 p.m. But, Carol was always willing to get Lana home earlier if necessary. And, thankfully, Neil had no problem with this. "The grand kids will be coming over on Saturday, so I want to make sure I have plenty of food in the house." Lana looked at Carol and laughed, "Carol, there's always plenty of food in your house, and what you don't have you make it faster than anyone I know. I wish I knew how you can bake so quickly and yet you can have it cleaned up in no time at al...

"MASH THE BUTTON!" Carol called over the top of her SUV. "Do what?" Lana gazed across to her friend who was standing at the back of her car with the gas nozzle inserted into the gas tank. She began to laugh because she realized what Carol was trying to tell her, and she had never heard it said in such a way. "COME ON! MASH THE BUTTON!" Carol called out impatiently, seeing absolutely nothing funny. "Well, I'll press the Premium if that's what you're saying." She pressed the button and hopped back into the car to wait. She was giggling when Carol finally got in and gave her a questioning stare.  "I'm sorry," Lana giggled. "I've never heard anyone say 'mash the button' before." "What do you say?" Carol snapped. "Everyone that I know says 'press' the button." "Well, y'all are in the south now," Carol drawled, "so y'all might...

Neil descended the basement stairs slowly, frantically thinking of quips that would cleverly break the news to Lana. He didn't want her to have another meltdown. He peeked in to find her leaning over the desk deep in thought. Normally she didn't mind interruptions, but this looked important. Stay calm, he reminded himself. "I think it's time that you get your clothes picked up off the closet floor and back on the hangers." He leaned against the door jam as casually as he could as he said this. "Yeah, I know. But they've been there this long, another day won't hurt." She didn't look up. Okay, he thought,  now what? He took a breath. "Well, I think you should probably do it today. Like maybe now." "I'm busy. It'll wait." She sounded a little annoyed, and he was getting nervous.  "Then you'd better be very careful the next time you go in there." She stared at him in...